Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")

And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have One more location where by American Gentlemen can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: present Everybody a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he really should end making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from space, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It's not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options

Probably the strangest Trump Tower Damascus ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium exactly where guests may ponder vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Technique: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"

The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The venture is by now attracting notice from international investors, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even include things like:

A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD may have change-down services."

A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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